Page 37 - LOTN Autumn Issue 54 2023

MISCELLANY
ALLSORTS OF

EVERYTHING

The reason why dogs don't live as long as Paper Exercise
people according to a six year-old: Calculations suggest that 136 billion sheets of A4 paper
"People are born so that they can learn how would be needed to print out the entire world wide
to live a good life. Like, loving everybody web. If the printouts were piled up, the stack would be
all the time, and being nice. Well, dogs taller than Earth.
already know how to do that, so they don't
have to stay as long.
Football Frivolity
My partner just split up with me because they think I’m
obsessed with football. I’m a bit upset about it – we’d been
going out for three seasons.
During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited
an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little
faces with no hope,” said João, age six.
As the team’s struggles continued, a pound coin was thrown
onto the pitch. Police are trying to determine whether it
was a missile or a takeover bid.
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot! Wha's like us?
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe Wee Hamish's' kindergarten class was on a field trip
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we' to their local police station where they saw pictures
re knocked out." Peter Shilton tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most-wanted
Two old men were holding up the queue outside the criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture
turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want very
pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail... badly to capture him."
“Hang on a minute...,” said the gateman, “...what's that in Wee Hamish asked, "Why didn't you keep him when
your mouth?” you took his picture?"
“It's the missing ticket!” A Scots boy came home from school and told his
As they moved inside his mate said... mother he had been given a part in the school play.
“Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
about it!” The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your
“'I'm not that stupid...,” said old Cyril, “...I was chewing last teacher you want a speaking part."
week's date off it.” Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do
'"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't two positives make a negative - "Aye right."
know into what religion yet". David Beckham By mistake, Sandy put a two pound coin instead of
10 pence in the collection plate at church. Despite
In October 2020, when his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to
the Covid-19 pandemic him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was
often meant trying to avoid passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."
employing human operators,
Inverness Caledonian Thistle
football club resorted to Boeing uses potatoes to test their in-flight Wi-Fi!
using an automated camera Have you ever wondered how aircraft manufacturers test their
to record a match. The in-flight Wi-Fi?
automated camera worked Well, Boeing for one use… potatoes!
well for a while until it decided that the shiny, bald Potatoes reflect and absorb Wi-Fi signals similarly to human
head of a linesman was actually the ball. Viewers bodies.
were infuriated when, instead of the real action, The project is even called SPUDS, which stands for Synthetic
the camera kept focusing on the poor man’s head. Personnel Using Dialectic Substitution.
The potatoes must have been sitting there for ages… at least
they don’t get bored!
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