Page 35 - LOTN Autumn Issue 48 2021

MISCELLANY

ALLSORTS OF

EVERYTHING

That sinking feeling!
Lord McTalisker was reading his copy of the London Times in the drawing room of Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife
his mansion when his butler dashed in to report "Sir, the river Tay is overflowing Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I
and flooding the streets." Lord McTalisker frowned, put down his newspaper and can get you, Sandy?'No reply. 'Have ye no' a last wish,
sternly said to his butler: "McTavish, I have told you before, if you have something Sandy?' Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon
important to tell me, knock on the door, wait until I tell you to enter - and then boiled ham.' 'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine
speak in a quiet civilised manner. Now, please do so." McTavish apologised that's for the funeral.'
and closed the door. A few seconds later, Lord McTalisker heard a knock at the
door. "Enter!" he said, imperiously. James opened the door, turned and made a Quotes from the late Archbishop Sheen
sweeping gesture behind him, as if inviting someone to come in. "My Lord, the "Fasting detaches you from this world. Prayer
river Tay to see you." reattaches you to the next world."
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to
Actual Excuse Notes from Parents
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. death with popcorn."
"It's like being a Knight of the
today. Please execute him. Garter. It's an honor, but it doesn't
Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of tree and misplaced his hip. hold up anything."
"Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity
Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins. pays to genius."
"Life is like a cash register, in that
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to every account, every thought,
attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. every deed, like every sale, is
registered and recorded."
"Pride is an admission of
How's that? - Cricket Commentating Bloopers weakness; it secretly fears all
Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been competition and dreads all rivals."
vindicated by the result? "The big print giveth, and the fine
A: I don't think the press are print taketh away."
vindictive. They can write what “An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of
they want. Mike Gatting, ITV support.”
On the first day, Logie decided to "There are not more than 100 people in the world who
chance his arm and it came off. truly hate the Catholic Church, but there are millions
Trevor Bailey, Radio 3 who hate what they perceive to be the Catholic Church.
It was close for Zaheer, Lawson ....As a matter of fact, if we Catholics believed all of the
threw his hands in the air and untruths and lies which were said against the Church,
Marsh threw his head in the air. Jack Potter, 3UZ we probably would hate the Church a thousand times
It's been a very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's more than they do."
been a good, entertaining day's cricket. Licence to thrill!
Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio Caught for not having a TV licence, Hughie duly
It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to purchased one, which is just as well because as
make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up. he was going down the path from his house he met
Max Walker, Channel 9
the inspector again. "I'm in a hurry, but dad's in the
house. Tell him the licence is behind the clock on the
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he mantelpiece". The inspector does as was told, to the
decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember astonishment of Hugh's dad. "That's some detector
the dog by. van ye've got that knows where the licence is kept!"
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft "Jimmy - stop pullin' that cat's tail." "I'm no pulling it's
begger!" tail - it's the cat doing the pulling."

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