Page 34 - LOTN Summer Issue 47 2021

MISCELLANY

ALLSORTS OF

EVERYTHING

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO GOD Lockdown Humour
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are
make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!
have now? Jane.
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed One Foot in the Grave
each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Bert and Alf were at the funeral of an old friend.
Mum did for me and my brother. Larry. They stood in deep thought by the open grave.
Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll 'How old were he then?' asked Bert.
show You my new shoes. Mickey. 'I reckon he were 89', says Alf. 'How old be you then,
Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love Bert?'
everyone in the whole world. There are 'I be 88', came the reply. 'Ow about you then?'
only 4 people in our family and I’m having 'Me? Reckon I be 87 next month.'
a hard time loving all of them. Nan. There was a thoughtful pause, before they spoke as
Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it one:
just a trick? Lucy. 'Hardly worth going home, I reckon.'
Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe
to look like that or was it an accident? Norma. Can't believe I just said that!
Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I ‘Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned
prayed for was a puppy. Joyce. 20 a few weeks ago.’ – David Coleman
Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m ‘Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a
not praying. Elliot. calculator’ – John Arlott
‘I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of
Long Training my body.’ – Winston Bennett
A mother goes to her pastor and explains that her son ‘Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing –
seems very interested in becoming a priest. She would but none of them serious.’ – Alan Minter
like to know what this would require. So the priest begins ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect
to explain: "If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he'll the same thing again.’ – Terry Venables
have to study for seven years. If he wants to become a ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you
Franciscan, he'll have to study for ten years. If he wants to can see it all over their faces.’ – Ron Atkinson
become a Jesuit, he'll have to study for fourteen years." The ‘Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for
mother listens carefully, and as the priest concludes, her tourists.’ – David Vine
eyes brighten. "Sign him up for that last one, Father -- he's Dennis Pennis: ‘Have you ever thought of writing your
a little slow!" autobiography?’ Chris Eubank: ‘On what ?’
‘To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.’ – Ruud
Tutru Tutu Gullit
Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu, ‘Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to
the 1984 Nobel Peace Prize winner hang in the air for even longer.’ – David Acfield
from Cape Town, South Africa, tells the ‘What will you do when you leave football, Jack – will
following: "There is a story, fairly well you stay in football?’ – Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live)
known, about when the missionaries
came to Africa. They had the Bible and Anything you say!
we, the natives, had the land. They said We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with
'Let us pray,' and we dutifully shut our her priest to sign some pre-marriage papers. While filling out
eyes. When we opened them, why, the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to
they now had the land and we had the the last one, which read, "Are you entering this marriage of your
Bible." own free will?" he looked over at his fiancée.
"Put down 'yes,' " she said.
My friend told me he’s fed up with me talking like a
newsreader. More on that story later. Did you know that you can't run through a campsite?
You can only ran... 'cause it's past tents.

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